Sunday, March 10, 2013

It's a start....

I've wanted to write a blog for a while now, but as with most things in my life, I don't follow through.  I always have the best ideas, but I'm not so great at the actual doing of the things.  This is my attempt at actually following through with something and I'm going to try very hard (with time and ability considered) to keep up with this.
This past summer, I was told that like my son, I am on the autism spectrum.  This was not surprising or unexpected.  Since my son was diagnosed (and actually even before, since I knew years before he got his "official" diagnosis that he was on the spectrum), I have suspected that this was the case.  Having it confirmed by a professional was a nice touch though.
Growing up, I was just considered extremely shy or a "huge pain in the ass".  I had selective mutism and actually did not talk at school or to many people outside of my family until I was well into high school.  I actually had a guy I went to school with from kindergarten through my senior year of high school find me on Facebook and ask me if he could call me just to hear what I sounded like.  I didn't take him up on the offer because of my massive phone anxiety, but thought it was pretty funny that my weirdness left such an impression on someone else.  I was also a troubling student as I was extremely "non compliant", I self injured, and cried all the time.  Over the years, many of my teachers would try to help me, but not really understand how.  They thought I was just extremely shy, spoiled and narcissistic, when in reality I really just didn't understand social rules and cues.  I didn't think of what other people thought of me at all.  (though years of being told what they DID think, that I was weird and creepy, have now left me with the opposite problem.  I worry way too much about how other people see me.  I'm working on it.) I was just terrified and confused by  every social interaction.   In high school, I was diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder.  In college, PTSD.  I self medicated.  A lot.  I finally stopped.  I met a guy who liked weird, creepy types.  We got married.  We procreated.  Our son was diagnosed as autistic.  I made mistakes.  I learned.  I became passionate about neurodiversity and autism acceptance.  And, here we are.
Of course, I've left a lot of things out, but that's the basic story.  Along the way, I learned that I sometimes could make people laugh intentionally.  Like, not just at me.  So, I sometimes try to be funny.  Usually it works, but sometimes, it doesn't.  I am always passionate about my beliefs, but I try to be open minded as well.  I try.  Sometimes I succeed, and a lot of times I fail.
Oh, and about the title of my blog, it's from the Devo song "Through With Being Cool".   Which is basically about militant nerds.  Naturally, I could relate.

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