Normal

“Is it wrong that I wish my kid was normal?”

I come across this question a lot in autism parenting groups.   My honest, immediate answer?

Yes.

Yes, it is wrong to wish that your kids were “normal”.

I say this after a lifetime of being the one who was not “normal”, but who lived with knowing that most people around me, including my parents wished that I was.  

I have a lifetime of “Why can’t you just do this?”  or “How can you be so smart but so stupid?”, “Don’t you know how hard this is for us?”  and  “Why can’t you be more like other kids?” behind me, so yes, I think it’s bad parenting to wish for your child to be someone that they are not.  

Children are very perceptive, much more intuitive than we often give them credit for.   When you are busy mourning for a child that never was, that will never be, your children are learning that they are not good enough as they are.  The child you want, is a child that does not exist. It’s a child that yours can never be.

Do you know what it is like growing up knowing that the accommodations and supports you need are just an inconvenience to those around you?   The tools that you need to be successful in life are just too much for other people to deal with.  You’re just not worth that extra effort.  That is what we hear when you complain about how hard it is to accommodate and understand.   That is not to say parenting is easy, because it is not.   Parenting is never easy.  That is not the fault of our children.

Imagine what it is like being pushed to speak when you literally can’t do it.  When you are constantly ignored and even punished for the way that you are actually able to communicate because it doesn’t look normal.  

Imagine how it feels for your children when you say these things and people sympathize with you, but seldom with us,  and tell you that it’s okay.  It’s okay to wish your child was different.   Because being who they are, it’s not normal.  It is flawed, it is damaged, it is broken.  At least that’s what we hear when you wish we were something else.  

Imagine how it feels to see the entire world talk about what a burden you are, how unfortunate it must be to have to raise a kid like you, how we need to find a way to fix you. Imagine considering what you cost to society for existing. Now, imagine your parents saying the same thing. How will the world treat us when our own parents think that who we are is something unfortunate that is being done to them?

When you say that you wish your child was normal, you are telling your child they are on their own.   

No child deserves that.

Autistic people have enough problems with society seeing us as less, we don’t need our parents to join them.  We need our parents to stand beside us, to push back with us.  

We need our parents to tell the world to make room for all kinds of people, all kinds of communicators, all kinds of brains.  

We need our parents not just to accept us as we are, but to value us as we are.  To love every part of us and tell the world that we are loved.  

They need to show the world that diversity is beautiful and there is a place for us too.   Because not only are we watching, but the world is watching too, and they are learning how to treat us by your example.

We need you to be on our side.  

Image: White text reads: "We need our parents not just to accept us as we are, but to value us as we are.  To love every part of us and tell the world that we are loved.  They need to show the world that diversity is beautiful and there is a place for us too.   Because not only are we watching, but the world is watching too, and they are learning how to treat us by your example."